Happiness in Retirement — What do you ‘do’ after ‘work’?

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As busy dedicated professionals think about retirement, many wonder what they will ‘do’ after ‘work’.  What will make them feel worthwhile?

Careers are built by focusing on goals, tasks, and rewards. Very often these are not personal goals but corporate goals — accomplishments that society affirms and rewards.  You are doing ‘something’ worthwhile.

A few days ago I met with a group of former colleagues.  Although most of them are still busy with their careers, several are thinking of retiring in the next two or three years.  I was the only person at that gathering who had retired.

The question asked of me most often was “so what are you doing now?”

What  I ‘do’ after work

The question “what are you doing now?’ is easy to answer.  I spend my time doing the ordinary things that I never had time for before retirement.

I exercise.  I cook and eat nutritious food. I sleep enough for good health — 7 or 8 hours per night.

I spend time with my husband. We eat together every day. We do lots of activities together — sometimes mundane errands or trips to the gym; sometimes interesting jaunts like going to a theatre production.

I enjoy the outdoors — even when the weather is nasty. I garden. I spend time relaxing at the cottage and walking on the beaches of Lake Huron.

I play bridge. I volunteer on a couple of boards. I read extensively and belong to two book clubs.   I write posts for this blog.

I could go on with this list adding various hobbies, routine household tasks, church activities, occasional travel, and taking adult education courses from time to time.

But, don’t you get bored?

In response, many people indicated that they couldn’t ‘wait’ to have the freedom of retirement.  But others were uncomfortable.  Follow up questions included ‘don’t you get bored?’

This reply indicated to me that the ordinary things that take up my day would be boring for others.

There are times in life when a bigger ‘purpose’ than just living according to the rhythm of the day is needed.  Sometimes people need to do ‘something’ that society deems more worthwhile than enjoying a leisurely postworksavvy lifestyle.

It’s almost three years since I retired.   Not once have I ‘missed’ the office. I was emotionally and psychologically ready to retire.

When a search firm called me recently to try to entice me to take on an interim executive position, it took little thought for me to give a gracious refusal.

Just thinking about the commuting, the politics of a business environment, and the never-ending hassles related to getting enough funding to adequately achieve the mission of a not-for-profit organization was enough to remind me of the freedom that retirement brings.

Defining what you ‘do’

Life passes too quickly to hold tightly to the status and successes of a career.

My mind stays busy without going to the office. The days fly. I find more interesting things to do in a day than I often did during the active and stressful times at work.

I no longer define myself by a job title.  For some, having no job status means that I have no status as a person — I no longer do ‘something’.

This judgement makes me sad.  Is it poorly disguised ageism? Retiring from work does not mean retiring from living. I don’t feel useless.

I get more enjoyment from doing things I love to do every day and not things I have to do. The days fly by.

There is true happiness in retirement when you spend your time doing what you love.

So the next time I’m asked what I ‘do’ after work, I will smile smugly and say that I do only the things I love — and let them guess just what that means.

 

 

Happiness in Retirement — Tears of Joy

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How often do you shed tears of joy?

Last week we celebrated the birth of our first grand child with tears of joy. We were ecstatic!

Tears of Joy for our beautiful grand daughter on the evening of her birth

Tears of Joy for our beautiful grand-daughter on the evening of her birth

News of the birth came to us during the night. We were at the cottage enjoying the arrival of spring.  Thanks to social media, we received photos of the first few hours of her life along with text messages from the hospital room.

Overcome with happiness, sleep was unnecessary and we rose at dawn, packed up, and came back to the city to get to the hospital for family visiting hours.

Excitement beyond belief was the feeling in the room as both sets of grand parents, some new uncles and aunts and close family friends crowded around the helpless perfect human being and two proud parents. I sobbed and laughed in the same moment.

“Every time a child is born, a grand parent is born too”

Many readers of this blog are already grandparents and some of you have experienced this delight many times over so you remember the intense feelings of the moment when you see the grand child.

I got the biggest promotion of my life last week when I became a grand parent.

Squeals of pleasure, elation, and pure delight overwhelmed me and brought tears of joy.  The happiness was difficult to contain.

The birth of this child signalled a generational continuity as well as marking formation of a new family unit.

Seeing the pride in the eyes of our son and daughter-in-law as they held their daughter and marvelled at the flawless new being they had created was a magical moment.  Suddenly life has a new purpose for everyone in both the nuclear family and the extended family.

Now we will enjoy the love and companionship of our son and daughter-in-law and the love and companionship of our grand-daughter.

This grand mother thing makes it tough to keep emotions in check but who cares? Love is inexhaustible and I won’t apologize for the tears of joy!

 

Happiness in Retirement — Build Your Resilience

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Achieving happiness in retirement becomes easier if you build resilience.
When work stops and retirement begins, an important life change happens.

As a life event, retirement is significant.  Your perception of who you are as a person and your sense of worth in society changes — as does your lifestyle.

Regardless of whether retirement happened by choice or whether retirement was forced on you through layoff, down-sizing, or ill health — life will be different.

Many retirees find themselves feeling under-appreciated especially if they held positions involving high status. Very often, people feel overwhelmed, especially when retirement was a forced change.

Perks of employment are gone, relationships with colleagues are lost, financial circumstances may be a challenge, time needs to be managed differently, spousal relationships change.

The way people respond varies as does the rate at which the adjustment to retirement happens.

To respond positively to the life change that come with retirement, resilience is important.

Build your Resilience -- Resilient Tulips -- photo courtesy of Iowa_spirit_walker

Build your Resilience — Resilient Tulips — photo courtesy of Iowa_spirit_walker

Resilience Defined

Websters dictionary defines resilience as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”.

Definitions found online refer to resilience as the ability to recover quickly from difficult conditions or to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma or tragedy.

Happily, for most people, retirement is a positive life change that doesn’t involve misfortune or tragedy. Nonetheless, even in the most positive circumstances, retirement creates reactions that may include sadness, anxiety, anger, grief and fear.

Resilience will support you

Building resilience will help to manage reactions to the life changes of retirement.

Resilience is a natural quality found in all of us.  Life has taught us how to deal with change — how to ‘roll with the punches’.  Life has also taught us how to be limber in the face of change – and how to ‘bounce back’.

A resilient response will involve managing behaviours, managing thoughts and taking actions.

Skills and strategies developed in the past will help you respond to rough times.  These skills likely include problem-solving, keeping a positive attitude, reaching out to family and friends for support, accepting that change is part of living, and taking a long view into the future and not over-reacting to a short-term event.

Managing Behaviours

Managing behaviours will involve making plans for a happy retirement.  Some people find that setting goals — both short-term and long-term — helps to make the days meaningful and provides the structure that was lost when work stopped.

Moving toward goal achievement maintains a sense of purpose.  And what a wonderful feeling it is to achieve a goal!

Last year I vowed to improve my swimming by learning to breathe properly and by strengthening various strokes.  For weeks I took lessons and practised in the pool at my gym.  The payoff was on multiple fronts. I am a better swimmer but most of all, I had a boost of confidence from this accomplishment.

Learning new skills and challenging yourself helps to build a sense of purpose and an ability to take charge of life events.

Managing the behaviours involved with taking good care of yourself including eating nutritious meals, exercising, sleeping enough, and seeking spiritual fulfillment often forms the beginning of developing resilience in retirement.

Managing Thoughts

One of my yoga mentors often says,  ”what you think about, you bring about”.  It’s her way of encouraging students to think positive thoughts — about themselves, about others, and about life situations.

Sometimes changing a thought pattern from negative to positive helps to put things in perspective. Refusing to think negatively, suspending judgement and rejecting negative thoughts requires self-awareness and continual monitoring of thinking patterns.

As someone who spent many years as a ‘black hat’ thinker — looking for obstacles, finding faults and scanning for problems, I have had to force myself to keep reaching for positive and proactive approaches when thinking about life changes.  Awareness of my own emotional reactions and thinking style has helped me to become more optimistic, to stay hopeful when faced with challenges, to control my emotional reactions, and to view setbacks as temporary.

Believing that good things can and will happen and visualizing positive outcomes have been  powerful steps forward as I have become more resilient — and happier during my retirement journey.

Taking Action

If you really want to have happiness in retirement by building resilience you need to take action — decisive action.

The famous German writer and thinker von Goethe wrote,  ”Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it.  Action has magic, grace and power in it.”

Nothing will happen unless you begin.  Whether it is finding a new social network in retirement, learning new skills, or beginning a new post-retirement job, getting started is the first step. This is the time to put your ‘can do’ attitude into play.

When I feel overwhelmed with a task or a life problem, I find that a simple way to keep focused on taking action steps is to ask myself, “What is the one thing that I can do today to move forward?”  This simple question usually helps me to problem solve constructively rather than feeling discouraged or feeling that the task is insurmountable.  It’s one way of taking action.

Building Resilience

Focusing on behaviour changes, managing thoughts to keep a positive attitude, and taking action to solve problems are starting points in building resilience.

Resilience is a human quality — a gift within each of us.

Resilience will help you cope with the inevitable setbacks that happen in life.  It will help you to be a survivor and not a victim. It will help you overcome some of the obstacles that will happen during retirement.

By building resilience, life changing experiences such as the transition to retirement and the life events during retirement can be managed more successfully — and happiness in retirement will increase.

 

 

 

 

Happiness in Retirement — Moving your body

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Moving your body is a priority for happiness in retirement.  It’s a sensible way to make sure that you get the most out of every day.

We all know that any type of sickness of disability takes something away from enjoying life — and achieving happiness in retirement means that you want to be able to enjoy life.

It is often said that we spend the first 40 years of our lives taking our health for granted and then spend the next 40 years taking care of the health that we took for granted.

Some aspects of declining health seem inevitable as we grow older. Whether it is a small pain in the neck, a sore back, or some chronic health condition — good health just can’t be assumed — you have to work at it.

Keeping your body fit and healthy makes practical sense. Aside from good nutrition, stress management and getting enough sleep, caring for your body involves moving. Why?

Let’s begin with the desire to live independently — for as long as possible.  We’ve all seen the advertisements for various types of retirement and nursing facilities. We may also have visited parents, elderly relatives, or friends who have moved (or been moved) to a ‘care’ facility/home. No matter how much money is spent marketing these options, nobody chooses that lifestyle except from necessity.  Most of us want to postpone or avoid any compromise to independent living.

Every time I feel tempted to slack off my daily fitness routines — stretches, yoga, swimming, walking — I remind myself that I am moving my body as one method of caring for and maintaining my independence..

Another practical reason for moving your body is to keep joints flexible.  About 10 years ago I noticed that I was having more difficulty rotating my head when I turned to see where I was going when I had my car in reverse gear.  My neck hurt when I turned my head.

That realization got me going to yoga classes with more regularity.  I knew that I had to move my body if I wanted to stay flexible. Difficulty turning my head when backing up in my car was a signal of other potential problems.

Yoga may not be for you but other forms of gentle exercise such as aqua fit, tai chi or Pilates will help to keep your body limber while offering a fitness routine that is suitable for older adults.

Taking care of physical health also involves protecting mobility. Shortly after retiring I learned that I needed a hip replacement due to osteoarthritis.  Walking became more and more difficult and stairs were almost unmanageable. I tried to avoid the inevitable seeking 2nd and 3rd opinions, going to sports medicine specialists and exhausting myself with physiotherapy. Eventually I realized that if I wanted  to walk again without a cane or a walker I would need to  have the surgery.

Recovery was more difficult than planned and I often sat in my living room envying people who walked effortlessly.  I vowed never again to take mobility for granted.  Even today, I am grateful when I can spend an afternoon traipsing through an art gallery, or managing the long corridors in airports when travelling.

Maintaining healthy body weight is a great benefit of taking care of physical health through movement. Any type of exercise — even walking at a moderate pace increases metabolism and promotes cardiovascular health.

On cold mornings when I lie in bed and think of possible excuses for avoiding a trip to the gym, I remember that I like myself best when my weight is steady and my clothes fit comfortably.  Those thoughts usually provide the inspiration to get to the gym, complete my exercise and then spend the the rest of the day feeling self-righteous.

Moving your body and exercising involves an effort. Getting older doesn’t need to mean poor health. Taking care of your body is about lifestyle choices that payoff — with improved confidence.  The greatest payoff is a joie de vivre that increases retirement happiness.

Happy in Retirement — What Drives You?

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What gives you a happy retirement? What drives you?

The motto for the gym where I work out is “What drives you?”

I think it’s a reference to the many options for exercise and recreation that members enjoy.

What drives you? -- photo courtesy of mdiocuh galeals

What drives you? — photo courtesy of mdiocuh galeals

The slogan “what drives you?” made me think about what drives a happy retirement. The life lived in retirement is different from the life lived during the hey day of career or during those busy years of parenting.

For a full and meaningful retirement it’s important to identify those things that ‘drive’ you now as well as to consider what influences you may desire in the future.

Retire with a Sense of Purpose

We know that it’s important to retire ‘to’ something rather than retiring ‘from’ something.  If you had a career filled with goals and challenges it is likely that you will need to keep challenging yourself during retirement as the desire to succeed doesn’t leave once your leave your work.

After retiring many people develop new skills, move into a different type of work, start a new business, return to university or pursue a challenging hobby.  They take the lessons learned during career and parenting years and apply them to further accomplishments during retirement.

Others use their retirement to attend to those items on their ‘bucket list’ that weren’t possible when work consumed too much time. It might be travel or spending more time with grand children or volunteering in a not-for-profit.

This is the time in life to live the dreams, to have the experiences and to take some risks. It is a time for endings but also a time for new beginnings.

Most importantly, it is a time to ‘get on with it’ because this is the third age of life and not one to squander while waiting for something better in future.

Recognize life changes and Endings

Retirement brings life changes that involve endings.  Work ends and relationships with colleagues end. Death may rob us of dear family members and close friends. Diminishing health may lead to loss of capacity to engage in active physical activities such as skiing, wind surfing or running.

Endings often lead to feelings of hopelessness, emptiness or resignation.

If life changes and endings leave you with overwhelming feelings of sadness or hopelessness — and these feelings don’t go away — then you should seek professional help.  There is no shame in asking your doctor for a referral to counselling so don’t be afraid of this.

Life changes happen to everyone and regret about what has ended won’t bring happiness.  It’s important to accept what life has given to you, do your best to resolve situations over which you have control, and then move on.

Your attitude about life changes and endings plays a big part in meeting and overcoming life challenges.  Your attitude will influence your retirement happiness.

Hope can drive you and make your happier 

A few years ago June Callwood a Canadian feminist, journalist and philanthropist, when faced with a diagnosis of cancer, adopted an attitude of hope.  Instead of retreating into despair she decided that hope would ‘drive’ her future.  She continued with her work

Closely linked to hope is having a sense of purpose for your life.  A sense of purpose often includes the belief that things can change and that things will get better in the future. It is the energy that keep you moving ahead with your life.

Callwood could have let her diagnosis stop her. Instead, she was public about the challenges she faced and remained hopeful that she would continue to have a full life. Moreover, she was adamant that her health would not stop the drive she had in fulfilling the various philanthropic roles that she had undertaken.

Many believe that hope is strongly connected to religious and spiritual beliefs.  It provides energy to face the uncertain future with hopefulness. A few minutes every day spent on prayer and/or meditation will bring peace of mind and restore hope. It helps you to keep a positive attitude.

As spring slowly arrives in Canada there is a hopefulness about the greater intensity of the sunlight, the cheerfulness of songbirds returning, and the brave tulip tips bursting through the flowerbeds as snow melts around them.

An attitude of hope affects the way you think about and perceive life changes and events.  Hope links to optimism and the belief that you can control aspects of your life and meet challenges as they arise.

Deciding what drives you 

Here are a few techniques you might try as you consider what drives your retirement now and what helps you to stay positive and hopeful about the future.

  1. Identify your values.  Think about what matters most in your life.  Is it spending time with your grand children?  Is it an accomplishment that you have put off? Do your values involve giving back in some form of volunteerism? Do your values lead you to give generously of your time, talents and/or money?
  2. Think about what you love to do.  What brings a smile to your face every morning?  What makes you feel good about yourself and joyful as you anticipate indulging yourself in that activity?  Is it bridge?  Is it spending time with friends?  Is it a hobby that absorbs you completely? Is it travel that you dreamt about for years?
  3. Review key successes in your life.  What were they?  How do you feel about them now?  Do they give insight into what will drive your retirement? Cherish these memories but don’t dwell on the past — let it go and live for today.
  4. Keep a positive mindset and enjoy what you have.  Accept what life has given to you. Practising gratitude will help you to feel more contented with what you have.  Regret and envy won’t bring happiness.

Time spent discovering what drives you will make your retirement days happier.  Knowing yourself, feeling hopeful about the future and having a strong sense of purpose for your life will keep you enjoying your retirement.

 

 

 

 

Happiness in Retirement — Caring for Your Couple Relationship

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One way to make sure that you are happier in retirement is by caring for your couple relationship.

For most of February my husband was away on his annual solo vacation.  By choice I stayed at home.  Each of us enjoyed some ‘alone’ time.

Now that he is home I am again taking delight in the joys of a couple relationship.

Happy Couple -- photo courtesy of Pratyush Tewari

Happy Couple — photo courtesy of Pratyush Tewari

During the month alone, there was lots of time to think about and appreciate what it means to live in retirement as a couple.

I reflected on some of the joys and struggles of 46 years of marriage as both of us attended graduate school, established careers, lived through parenting and child-rearing, dealt with middle age changes, and now face the challenges of growing old.

There was also time to consider what it may mean to live alone as do many of my friends who are widowed, divorced, or who stayed single by choice.

Doing things separately — whether it’s a solo vacation or an afternoon away from your partner — brings novelty and change into the couple relationship.   No system can survive without new inputs. New and diverse interests are essential to each of us as individuals and important for a happy couple relationship.

Secrets for Keeping a Strong Marriage

Volumes have been written on the secrets for keeping a marriage strong with advice such as keeping romance alive, attending to physical and emotional intimacy, and building common interests.

To keep romance alive, most couples build their own romantic routines such date nights, a glass of wine together before dinner, sharing a special movie, and cuddling before sleep. Romance gets refined as couples grow older and their interests change.

Romantic routines may lead to physical and emotional intimacy both of which are foundations for a strong couple relationship.

Building common interests means having shared activities. These vary with the age and stage of the marriage. In our early years as a couple it was grad school at McGill U and long cycling trips. During the parenting years it was Suzuki piano lessons, parent nights, birthday parties and soccer practise as well as attending soccer tournaments locally and nationally.  In our later years shared activities involve gardening, cottaging, entertaining friends and occasional travel together.

Every Couple is Unique

In my training and work as a marriage and family therapist I learned quickly that there is no one way to achieve a happy couple relationship.

Every relationship is unique.  Every couple will need to find its own way to care for, support, and develop a strong couple relationship.

Looking back over 46 years that included some bumpy years, I have developed my personal list of essentials for caring for a couple relationships.

Mutual respect based on love is the starting point. Many years ago the Minister of a church we attended did a series of sermons on parenting.  He advised that the best way to show love to a child was to show love and respect to each other as parents.  Growing up in a home where a child sees parental love and respect for each other provides the greatest security a parent can give to a child.  It also provides the foundation for a good marriage.

This advice has proved enduring — for parenting and for a healthy couple relationship. Without respect disagreements deteriorate from discussions to full-blown arguments.  Respect allows for difference of opinion within the relationship  or the couple ‘team’ while remaining committed to similar end goals.

Closely linked with mutual respect is the need for strong communication.  Communication that starts with listening as well as talking sounds easy but is so difficult — especially if, like me, you are naturally gregarious. 

Paul Tillick, a famous philosopher and theologian, advises that the first duty of love is to listen.

Listening to the perspective of my husband while keeping my mouth shut takes constant awareness and practise.  When I don’t try to force my perspective on him it is easier to achieve a solution without a fuss or an argument that ruins a day.

Having fun together is an important way of caring for a couple relationship.  I’m sad when people, who name their partner as their best friend, despair that ‘he never wants to go out’ or ‘she is such a deadbeat’. Strong relationships need time together to develop physical and emotional intimacy.

‘Fun’ together can involve uninterrupted time for warmth and caring, shared jokes, shared travel or for just hanging out.  For us, spending time together at the cottage ranks high for ramping up the ‘fun together’ times.

Many couples have strained relationships over financial issues.  Keeping a rainy day stash provides a safety net and avoids disagreements about spending money. When an unexpected household or car expense arises or when an opportunity to travel or purchase a luxury item proves tempting, it’s always good to have both personal and couple funds.

Over the years we always tried to avoid the worst effects of financial stress by saving 10% of any money we earned for emergencies and by living ‘below’ our means.  Saving 10% came from David Chilton’s book The Wealthy Barber that someone gave to us many years ago. His advice proved invaluable especially when we faced very high costs for our son’s post secondary education in the US and later, for his graduate education in the UK.

As well as joint accounts and joint investments we each keep some personal funds. This strategy of saving 10% isn’t always easy but the stress it avoids provides a big payoff in terms of a healthy couple relationship — and the ability to enjoy a retirement lifestyle similar to that which we had when both of us worked.

Having shared values adds to a rich couple relationship.   This might include shared spiritual connections/religious affiliations and attending church, temple, mosque, or enjoying other spiritual pursuits. Shared values involve a mutual and deep appreciation that life has purpose beyond the immediate selfish needs and that there are obligations to the wider society such as volunteering, seeking justice and aspiring to a life of fairness for all.

Finally, caring for your couple relationship means paying attention to daily routines and to solving problems as they arise. Gretchen Rubin in her writing on happiness emphasizes that what you do every day adds more to the richness of couple life than the occasional special gift or date night.  Rubin urges attention to routines such as giving warm greetings and saying sincere good-byes when entering or leaving the house.  It makes me think of how my husband enters the house and cheerfully announces “I’m home!”.  His sincere greeting is one of the special cues we share as a signal that we are together again.

Ultimately, each couple develops their own secrets for keeping their relationship strong.  Code words, secret messages, shared values and special cues build an enduring relationship. Maintaining closeness is a life-long process especially in our North American culture where impermanent and transitory relationships are increasingly common.  The payoff comes with increased happiness in retirement.

 

Happier in Retirement — Cook at home

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One of the secrets that makes me happier in retirement is the ability to cook at home.

Cooking at home and then enjoying the result is an easy way to ramp up the ‘enjoyment quotient’ of life.  The bonus is eating nutritious food that improves health.Soul FoodMany people make cooking at home a part of their lifestyle. Preparing food is ‘tonic’ for both body and soul as it is a concrete way to express love and caring.  Eating good food with my husband as well as others who share our table from time to time provides time to talk and relax.  Mealtime becomes quality time and happy time.

Once I learned kitchen basics as a young bride, I grew to enjoy cooking and now almost considerate it a hobby.

Cooking at Home Got Sacrificed

Unfortunately, I sacrificed cooking at home when I was in full career mode.  There was simply no time to buy ingredients, wash, chop, simmer, bake, or stew when faced with 60 or 70 hour work weeks plus commuting.  Like many households, we ate out, bought take out food, and used many processed foods that could be quickly prepared in the microwave oven.

When I worked, most days meant lunch in the board room during a meeting with thick tasty sandwiches and caffeine/energy drinks — coffee, tea, cans of juice or diet pop. Dinner usually happened at a restaurant while having another meeting or, dinner may have consisted of lunch leftovers from the office refrigerator as I cleaned up emails and wrote reports.  On many days there was also a breakfast meeting with trays of bagels, muffins, cream cheese and more sugary juices.

The food I consumed had too much sodium, was too rich or was laden with sugar and carbohydrates. Sometimes I felt that I bulged like a muffin by the end of the week!

At home, meal times were unpredictable.  I started my day with fruit and coffee as I hurried out the door. I usually did not return home from the office until 8 or 9 pm.   At that hour I was too tired to do any meal preparation and usually did not want to leave the house again to go out for another restaurant meal.

We relied on what my husband may have cooked.  This was unpredictable as, though he has many skills, he is not competent in the kitchen and dislikes cooking.  We depended on leftovers from the weekend or processed food from the grocery store that took little time and energy to prepare and often involved microwaving something that came wrapped in plastic or in a cardboard container.

Both of us struggled with an extra 10 pounds that we kept trying to lose despite dieting and exercise routines.

In retrospect, the extra weight was most likely the result of the food we were consuming.

There was no time for dinner ambience as we rushed through meals and often ate too much of the wrong type of food.  I felt a certain amount of angst because this was not how I wanted to care for myself nor for my husband.

Reclaiming the Kitchen

When I retired, I reclaimed my kitchen and found that cooking at home increased my retirement happiness.

I threw out the packages of processed ‘easy’ foods that were in the freezer — frozen pizza, frozen desserts, frozen ‘all-in-one’ meals.

Anything that was pre-cooked or processed went in the garbage along with the preservatives, additives, fats, and other ingredients listed on the packages I that I can neither spell nor pronounce.

I started buying basic, healthy foods — whole grains, pulses, vegetables, fruits and lots of different seasonings.

Foods to cook at home -- lots of variety -- photo courtesy of epSos.de

Foods to cook at home from the European grocery shelf — lots of variety — photo courtesy of epSos.de

Immediately, I felt happier.  I knew that controlling the ingredients in food eaten at home would have a healing effect through improved nutrition and improved health.

I planted a herb garden and I planted a vegetable garden and with a few seasons of practise, there is good produce for 6 months of the year. I don’t grow anything fancy — basil, chives, tarragon, sage, parsley, thyme, garlic, and rosemary make up the herbs; the veggies vary but usually include heirloom tomatoes, green and yellow beans, snow peas, beets, carrots and cucumbers.  When in season, fruit from the plum, apple and pear trees in our back garden that produce abundantly every year supplements what we get in the market.

In the Canadian winter I can’t depend on my gardens for produce but I do have access to many ethnic markets — South Asian, East Asian, West Indian, and European — all of which offer a variety of fresh ingredients for more types of cooking than I’ll ever do.

Retirement and Time to Cook

Cooking at home involves a small tradeoff.   Time to organize your life so that you shop for groceries and cook regularly against the benefit of food that is tasty and enjoyable.

I am happy to spend time in my kitchen. Retirement has gives the luxury of that time.

Just about every day I spend one or two hours putting together various foods — interesting salads for lunch, soups that warm a cold winter day, supper dishes, various breads, and, of course, various sweet temptations.

Healthy Salad for lunch

Healthy Salad for lunch

I know how to prepare food from scratch and consider it a privilege to cook at home. Starting with raw ingredients and not food from packages can and does save money but the biggest payoff is that our meals now have less salt and much less fat.  The result has been easier weight maintenance!

After almost three years of retirement, I am never bored in my kitchen and only occasionally do I fret about what to make for dinner. I have collected a good library of cookbooks and use online recipes from dependable sources — especially if I have leftover items that I want to use.

Last year I focused on learning how to make pastry and now feel confident with various types of meat and dessert pies.  During this past winter I’ve focused on baking bread and buns.  Kneading dough and waiting for the rising process takes most of a day but the result usually brings three of four loaves of bread or a few dozen buns for the freezer.

I don’t get carried away with healthy eating — sometimes takeout English style fish and chips makes a meal when I’ve been out all day. As well as a stash of chocolate, there are taco chips and prepared salsa in my pantry for munchies.

I don’t plan to make postworksavvy into a blog about food.  I wrote this post about cooking at home because cooking gives great pleasure and makes retirement happier for me.

My home cooking brings many compliments — but the greatest joy comes from knowing that this is a way to create retirement happiness while expressing love and caring for myself, my family and my friends.  I’m interested in your thoughts — does cooking at home add to your happiness or is it one of those necessary chores?  What pleasures do you get from cooking at home and eating well?

Happy in Retirement — Good Routines

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Good routines help to make you happy in retirement.

In my last post I wrote that I was looking forward to getting back into our ‘couple’ routines when my husband returned from his annual solo vacation.

Throughout our 46 years of marriage it’s been a regular routine to have coffee together — usually in bed — every morning.  When I get up, I treat myself to a second cup of coffee while checking emails and writing my daily journal entry.  There’s comfort and a happy contentment in these routines.

coffee, emails and journal writing routines

coffee, emails and journal writing routines

Whether it’s couple routines or personal routines, those daily, weekly and monthly habits,  give order and structure in a postworksavvy lifestyle.

Gretchen Rubin in her book The Happiness Project describes one of the secrets of adulthood.  She proclaims “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.”

Good routines — the things we do every day — are one of the secrets for happiness in retirement.

Benefits of Routines 

Routines provide predictability.  There is comfort when the days and the weeks unfold in the same way.  Routines such as cleaning up the kitchen counters after preparing meals, doing certain household tasks on a regular schedule, and filling the gas tank when the needle hits the quarter level prevent chaos and surprises.  Stress is reduced because there is a framework and predictability to how a day unfolds.

With my husband back home, I know that he will set up the coffee pot every night before he goes to bed so that we can enjoy a cup of coffee before having to face the day. That’s predictable behaviour on his part and a special routine for both of us.

Routines create a sense of calm and peace.  Each step of a task does not have to be re-created — the steps just unfold in a sequence that you know in advance.  This saves mental energy and reduces the effort of decision-making. Personal routines like regular yoga practise, walking and journal writing give me time to think.  When I build them into my day without much thought, I don’t face the prospect of deciding when to exercise or when to write. The quality of my life improves.

Routines provide order, structure and consistency. Basic routines like shopping are easier if you regularly go to a couple of shops where you know the product locations. While various stores have weekly sales, it is easier for me to buy groceries at the same store every week because I can quickly find the items that I use.  I go to the same pet food store because they have a record of the food that our cats eat and keep it in stock.  That the clerks know our family by the cat food we buy — and not our name, produces a smile and that’s a bonus!

Routines save time. By adhering to simple routines like putting certain things into their place, much time is saved. I’m pretty good about organizing the kitchen, closets and drawers but I do confess that articles often go astray in my office/den simply because I don’t have a good filing system. I waste a lot of writing time looking for research notes I’ve made on a project or checking through files stored in piles.  My productivity is compromised because I haven’t established predictable routines around writing and keeping a tidy desk.

When facing life changes, routines give comfort.  Certain routines will sustain us during major changes such as moving, a death in the family, illness, or other life crises. A recently widowed friend tells me that routines like going to her gym, attending church, keeping up with her household chores, and taking care of her car give a degree of comfort during a time when grief threatens to overwhelm her at every turn.

Getting too Attached to Routines

While good routines help to balance your life and keep it simpler by reducing the stress of daily decision-making, it’s important not to get too attached to your routines.

Life can start to feel repetitive.

Sometimes routines can lead to boredom.  Too much routine gets tedious and leads to dissatisfaction.  Who wants to have a life that feels automated and entirely predictable?

Changing routines occasionally provides novelty.  Whether the change comes from introducing new habits, from different activities or from performing the routines in a new environment, there is value in taking a fresh approach.

When our weekly food menu feels boring, I visit one of the specialty grocery stores and find some tempting foods to change things. I might buy veggies that we don’t usually eat or exotic fruits, or a new cut of meat to force a change.

When we spend time at our cottage, as we did this past weekend, familiar routines are ‘new’ for the first few days.  We cook in a different kitchen, sleep in a different bedroom, and eat breakfast at the island instead of at a table. The food tastes different on cottage dishes. Plus, we have the treat of looking out the window at a natural environment.

These variations give a fresh perspective to routines and prevent the feeling that life is automated and totally predictable.

Good Routines and Health

Good routines give comfort, rejuvenate and sustain me as I seek happiness in retirement.  They keep me calm and help me to relax.

Kim Pittaway writes on Best Health ”Doing the ‘same old, same old’ may not sound exciting but it can actually make you — and your family — healthier and happier.”

Routines such as regular bedtime and wake-up time, regular exercise time, and predictable meal times reduce physical stress and improve health as our bodies adapt.  Couples and families can connect with each other and communicate during such shared activities.

There is postworksavvy wisdom in having good routines.  Each of us needs to decide which routines will create a balanced life consistent with our needs and thus, produce the happiness in retirement that all of us deserve.

 

21 Days Without my Husband — Welcoming him home

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Day 21 — It’s time to welcome him home.

Tonight I’ll make the airport trek to pick up my husband after his annual vacation to visit family and friends in Trinidad, his home country.  I’m excited.

After three weeks of cooking for one or, mostly, avoiding any cooking, I have re-stocked the refrigerator.  I’ve also tidied the house, changed the sheets, cleaned up the litter boxes and the cat feeding station.

With a bit of time left over I decided to consult the internet about ways to welcome a husband back from a trip.  Some of the ideas are most interesting but will not be tried in this postworksavvy life.

  • Several sites offered advice like ‘welcome home’ banners and signs.  This idea is not in character for me.  I know that my husband would wonder what was wrong if he saw banners or signs outside of the house — my neighbours would also get inquisitive and wonder what is happening with our marriage.
  • Another site suggested making a romantic screen saver for his computer and writing a poem or letter describing how much he was missed.  My technical skills don’t stretch to creating screen savers and any poetry would be plagiarized.
  • Frequent advice included romantic dinners with favourite foods, wine and candles. I know that some home-cooking will be welcome but likely candles and wine will wait until tomorrow as he is on a late flight.  Knowing my husband, his favourite single malt with crackers and good cheese might find more favour than a meal.
  • One website suggested washing and cleaning his car. As I used his car while he was away, I have already done the car wash routine. I know that he will appreciate a clean car.
  • Almost every site has advice that anticipates sex as part of the reunion.  There is advice to wear a sexy lingerie (or less) with only a coat as cover when doing the airport run; there is practical advice like clearing clutter from the bedroom; and there are many romantic suggestions including one from a woman who smeared sushi all over herself and then stretched out on the kitchen table (no kidding!)  If I were to use most of these techniques, I’m sure that he would wonder what guilty reasons caused my actions.  I also know that raw fish smells bad.
  • There was advice to put on make-up and fix your hair. Huh?  I don’t need that advice. If I appeared anywhere without make-up he would wonder if I had the flu and my short hair cut means little fixing.
  • Another suggestion was to “arrange his pillow, take off his shoes, and speak in a low and pleasant voice”.  Oh my goodness! This advice may be helpful in some cultures and in some relationships but, thank you very much,  the feminist in me will leave him to take off his own shoes and arrange his own pillow.  My voice won’t be low because I’ll be excited but I do hope that I can be pleasant!

I’ve been amused with these suggestions.  Unfortunately most of them are inconsistent with our lifestyle — or inappropriate for our relationship.

I do know that my husband will look forward to returning to the comfort of home and what it means — family, love, trust, appreciation, respect.   

Living apart for three weeks has provided a change of pace for both of us.  I know that I will be happy to get back into ‘couple’ routines. I have missed my husband and I’ll tell him so.  Once again, as happens every year when he takes his solo vacation, I have learned not to take him for granted — even if he annoys me from time to time!

 

 

21 Days Without my Husband — Messing Around and Being Alone

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Day 19 — It’s been a week of informal ‘messing around’ and being alone — having fun with others and relaxing while alone.

During the past few days I have amused myself with activities and diversions of my choice.

On Monday I realized that this was the last full week that I would be home alone so I took full advantage of each day.

It was a luxury to spend one full day at home clearing up clutter in my office/den.  I sorted through year-end bank and investment statements, prepared documents for income tax filing, shelved books, sorted magazines and filed heaps of documents that had taken up residence on my writing-table.  Without interruptions, I made progress on a job that I usually postpone as long as possible.

I used another day for a solo shopping trip.  I bought new make-up and treated myself to two pairs of shoes that I don’t really need — but both pairs make my feet look and feel good.  My cats were annoyed as they had to stay home alone for the day — too bad.

Time at the gym took up three mornings. After an exercise class and some time in the pool, it was time for coffee and a healthy lunch in the gym restaurant.   Taking care of my body also meant lots of laughter and time to exchange of news with gym buddies.

I took care of my mind by playing bridge on two afternoons.  Bridge gives good thrills when contracts are successfully bid and made.  It requires strategy and thinking. More important, though, is the value from quality time spent with good friends.

Other brain stimulation came from reading.

I finished two books and attended a book club meeting.  The book club discussion was disappointing but the lunch conversation after the meeting made the outing worthwhile.

Attending a Lenten study group that focused on compassion provided spiritual ‘stretching’.  I also used part of my weekly yoga class for meditation — a quiet time that helps me keep a positive perspective on life.

With my husband away, I had a solo lunch with my son at an excellent Indian restaurant. Besides enjoying wonderful food we had a relaxed conversation. One-on-one time with our son is a luxury that happens less frequently now that he is married.

I also attended two committee meetings for organizations where I volunteer, visited the periodontist, had a haircut, and did some research for a presentation scheduled next month. Obviously, there was little time left for writing blog posts.

As I look at the list of the diversions, amusements and activities of the past week,  it’s a relief that my husband has been away as I would have had little time to spend with him.

Since I was alone I had no guilt about not cooking, nor doing any household chores.  I simply did ordinary things but took pleasure in messing around at leisure.

I realized that there is truth to the adage ‘being alone doesn’t mean being lonely.’  For me, being home alone means appreciating the time I spend with myself and choosing when I will spend time with others.

I don’t isolate myself as I get value out of relationships with interesting people. But having the gift of quiet is a joy.

In three days my husband returns and I look forward to resuming our routines as a couple. The truth is that I do miss him and would not want to spend an infinite amount of time without him.

This time has taught me — again — how to enjoy my own company.

Going forward, I resolve to incorporate more time alone into my postworksavvy lifestyle so that I can putter around in freedom, reap the benefits of solitude, and then take greater pleasure in all the benefits of a ‘couple’ relationship.